Please excuse me for one moment.
This week our adventure begins in a hardware store, presumably because our protagonist needs to replace all the torture implements he broke last week. That's a sentence I never thought I'd write.
this is the leader of the good guys everyone
Music strikingly reminiscent of the soundtrack to Jaws plays during Jeremy's supermarket sweep, and for the first time in the series, the soundtrack is on point. Our alpha proceeds to leave the store with a shopping list consisting of
several tonnes of cement
and what I can only assume will be a terrified store clerk making a phone call to the police.
Surpisingly, the sheriff from the first season shows up immediately. I briefly admire the alacrity of the local police force in
until she reveals that it was just a coincidence that she was driving past. Bear Valley
'wow you must be building a really big patio'
They chinwag and the sheriff reveals that she's no longer in law enforcement. As she's blatantly ignoring the contents of the open boot next to her owned by a man in trouble with the police during the first series for multiple dead bodies found on his property, it's easy to see why. The pair engage in some awkward flirting, and the ex-sheriff comments that there's always children at the nearby youth club who would probably love to help Jeremy with the work he's obviously doing on his house. Please god no lady, I would like to leave the child-murder behind in series two, and I'm sure the audience does too. After finally noticing the Acme Body Disposal kit in Jeremy's trunk, some ominous music plays and sheriff lady walks away. I briefly wonder if anything will come of this, then I get distracted by my 16th beer of the episode.
Back in Wolf Cree - Stonehaven, Jeremy and Clay are building a patio, which will now be my euphemism for burying bodies. I have a feeling I'm going to need one. Clay has finally changed his shirt, from green plaid to red plaid.
the costume department walked out this season too
Jeremy says he doesn't want to do anything that'll draw attention to Stonehaven. Then stop killing people in it, you fucking twat. With no more outsiders to for him to kill within the immediate vicinity, Jeremy turns his gaze to Elena instead, interrogating Clay as to why she's been distant. Clay wisely declines to reply that it's because their alpha has turned into a famous German political figure, and instead remarks that she's had some family troubles.
Jeremy says he doesn't trust her. Jeremy, that's your second-in command for crap's sake. Bittenblogger wonders if, this season, it's Jeremy that's going to end up as the villain (and not for the first time).
I really am sorry. But clearly, not sorry enough.
"Where's here for her. We always will be." He proclaims, which would be a lot less intimidating if he didn't literally heft an axe and a bag of cement at the exact same time as he said that (go look!)
We cut away to some beautiful forest scenery, accompanied by the sounds of crunching flesh and grunting. I get ridiculously excited because I thought it was a werewolf transformation, but no, it's just the Fuhrer cutting bodies apart.
oh oh oh is that a
GOD FUCKING DAMMIT
Clay and Jeremy throw cement block-encased body parts into the lake, and I try to not get horribly depressed as the credits are just now beginning to roll, reminding me that my own slow dismemberment has only just begun. Damn, I'm dramatic today.
Clay and Elena pull up to a huge white house. Elena asks where they are. "Home." replies Clay, who must've found them a house to live in as he mentioned in the first episode. He hurriedly and apologetically remarks that they can fix it right up together
because this place looks so derilict
Elena asks if Jeremy knows that they're fleeing from the Third Reich (okay okay I promise to try to stop the Hitler jokes) and Clay wisely gives a non-committal answer. He explains that he's never had to hide anything from Jeremy before, and that he knows that Russian Alpha is here looking for Dadwolf, which I confess is a plot-line that sounds as if it might not suck.
Elena goes on to point out that
'ever since he started hanging out with that Goebbels wolf'
OKAY OKAY I'M SORRY i'll really, really try to stop making those jokes now. Promise.
They proceed to have an actual touching moment where Elena speaks about the importance of family, and says that she and Clay were drawn to one another and destined to be. She then COMPLETELY RUINS IT by theorising 'maybe it's because my father was a werewolf?' and I resist the urge to scream 'NO' and jump out the window.
Clay tries to bring it back by continuing 'We found each other. That's all that matters.' -He- then completely ruins it by telling Elena that she must tell Jeremy. No please Clay, we don't want Elena to end up in little cementy pieces in the lake. No. No.
so help me i will come over there
Back in Stonehaven, Nick notices that the Russian Alpha is flying in lots of 'men' to the area. He asks why he might do this without telling them, implying that Romanov is usually an upstanding character.
At the airport, Russian alpha is irritated that he doesn't have a large enough army.
And now, after having two months to prepare, I still can't think of any bloody Soviet Russia jokes.
Whothefuckareyou#4 (or is it 5 now?) points out that the 'men' won't come because they want more money. Russian Alpha exclaims in a truly cartoony accent 'I do naht caare, breeng me vaat I vant.' and I almost fall out of my chair laughing. Whothefuckareyou#4/5 replies that
Danvers will become
suspicious if a bunch of werewolves in fuzzy hats suddenly appear in
Stonehaven. They continue their conversations in such thick accents that I
can't really transcribe it without help. I think Russia is looking for Dadwolf, and
I would like it if they actually told us why instead of just testosteroning it
around and trying to build tension.
Back in Stonehav OH MY GOD IS THAT MARSTEN I MISSED YOU we haven't seen you since that two seconds in season two where Clay choked you with a seatbelt
I compose myself and it's revealed that Jeremy only wants to interrogate Marsten about 'his time in
Russia - being such a small country Marsten will surely have been staying with the the
exact same people who are now in Stonehaven
Coincidentally, Marsten did run into Romanov's Pack. He then proceeds to detail how the Russian Pack operates, complete with an organised deck of cards to illustrate his point, despite the fact that when he walked through the door two seconds ago he had no idea why he was being summoned.
Do - do you just walk around with a deck of cards in this very specific order in the hope that sometime someone will ask you this specific question so you can whip them out?
Oy. Marsten reveals that the Ruskis are tough rulers, and that Russian Alpha has a second-in-command named
Constantine. He then does a rather badass
card trick that redeems his previous odd behaviour, so badass that even grumpy
old Jeremy seems amused. He surmises that the Russian Pack isn't run on loyalty
(it's okay neither is our one at the moment) but money, and that that is
starting to run dry. Nick proposes that he goes and offs Constantine and Nick
no please you're actually still vaguely likeable, please don't die before the
third episode is even up.
We cut to one of the hundreds of abandoned yet completely inhabitable warehouses in
this place is nicer than 50% of flats in England
Where Dadwolf, Katja, and Sonwolf (I forgot his name and I can't be bothered to look it up) are giving us some exposition. Katya expresses concern that
killed their mother and are bearing down (bearing, get it, get i - ah never
mind) on them. Sonwolf says he can almost turn into a wolf, and his sister
replies that 'almost' isn't good enough.
"because with this show's budget, you're not actually going to turn into anything"
The tension ratchets up as an intruder is heard outside, but oh no wait it's just Elena dramatically smashing down the door so that she can bring them waffles and maple syrup. No, really.
ME LITERALLY BOOTING THE DOOR IN WAS A NECESSARY WAY FOR ME TO ENTER
Elena smash. Greywolf is concerned that they're so easy to find. Elena for some reason doesn't tell him that it's because they are collectively as subtle as haemorrhoids and instead assures them that she's told no-one of their existence except for her life-mate. But that she is going to tell Jeremy. Greywolf rightly panics and starts looking for a new identity. Sonwolf expresses similar concern and Elena reassures him that 'She'll handle it' and I hope she's not going to do what I think she's going to do or there will be another patio built in Stonehaven before the episode is up.
, Jeremy utters what
is legitimately the most terrifying line of the episode so far Wolf
OH DEAR GOD NO
And instead of spraying him with mace, Elena approaches him. Jeremy asks if Elena thinks the way he's forced mutts to work for them only to kill them immediately after has been too harsh. Elena wisely stares into the bottom of her mug and avoids giving him a direct answer. Jeremy assures her it's okay and that he values her perspective, but delivers the line as if he's looking for an excuse to lock her in the basement again. Still trusting her formerly-benevolent benefactor, Elena expresses -
'but then season three started and we didn't have the same scriptwriters'
Jeremy tries to argue that he needs the army for their own protection, I adhere to my promise to not make any more of -those- jokes, and Jeremy skilfully deflects the suspicion off himself by asking Elena why she doesn't trust Romanov. Since Elena isn't presently in the brutal testosterone-fuelled murder manclub, she begins to talk about Dadwolf. Jeremy proceeds to look as if he wants to kill her.
Jesus Jeremy this is your beta/woman you're going to entrust the Pack to/sort of adopted daughter can you not
And immediately sides with Russian alpha. Despite having known Elena for half of her life and Romanov for approximately four episodes and you know what it's only fifteen minutes in and I need to carry on before I get a heart attack, not after. Elena asks for sanctuary for her estranged vulnerable biological family. Jeremy responds by immediately trusting his loyal Packmember and giving her father, brother, and sister some of the dozens of empty bedrooms he has lying empty in his mansion.
LOL NO he responds by yelling at Elena that it's a sin that there's a human woman out there who is allowed to walk around alive while knowing that werewolves exist, and immediately roaring at Elena for letting her own sister live.
Elena, in my most favourite picture of the entire show, finally realises that her alpha has gone to la-laland.
where did clay say that house was again
Jeremy shouts at her some more and Elena hunches over her mug, frankly, like an abuse victim. Elena tries to explain that she was going to tell him and was waiting until the right moment, and Jeremy interlaces his fingers as if terribly betrayed. I yell at the screen for Elena to run before she ends up locked in the basement or worse.
Fortunately, Jeremy places his hand on Elena's in a supporting manner.
Because he is apparently besties with the Russian Alpha and values him more than he values Elena's own family and oh god now I remember why I didn't touch this show for two months
Elena says that won't be possible. "Why not." Growls Sherermy. Elena points out that since he's her sodding biological father, he means something to her. Jeremy asks to be told everything, in a way that sounds like a threat rather than a plea.
ah, I missed you
In the next scene, Jeremy has driven to the-middle-of-fuck-nowhere and is about to be descended upon with an iron pipe. I cheer loudly enough to wake the neighbouring village.
Sadly, Dadwolf drops the iron pipe (oh come on) and allows Jeremy to enter his immaculate abandoned warehouse to talk.
Back in Stonehaven, Elena is asking if Nick can get some passports and forged papers for her family. I'm assuming this is because Nick hasn't had any real screen time yet
'and because I'm the only member of the Pack who's been shown as able to turn a computer on.'
Back in the warehouse, Sonwolf compares Changing to an orgasm (who gave you permission to have lines?) we are treated to more testosterone
and I can't actually be bothered to transcribe this. Jeremy is an ass, he starts threatening other countries by idly mentioning historical atrocities, and ends by saying he's gracious enough to let Elena's Dad live and generous enough to let him flee. Jeremy twats off and Dadwolf lobs knives at a plank of wood. He's realised that if evil Russian Vlkodlak doesn't off him then the sweet Canadian protagonist will, so he encourages his son to depart with his sister for their own safety.
They flee, and, much like the protagonists of
- they have no idea that the place they thought was sanctuary was actually a
death trap. Wolf Creek
'we heard you needed help with a patio?'
We cut to a sauna, and I am forcibly reminded that the majority of the people who view the show are women by the appearance of not one, but two bum shots. Oh and some homoeroticism.
'80% women you say?'
Nick is in a sauna with whothefuckareyou#4, who he refers to as
Oh! I didn't realise that was him. It's funny that Constantine's own boss
didn't refer to him by name earlier thus enshrouding his identity until 20
minutes later when he's naked in a sauna with someone not of his Pack, but..I
How this is related to Nick obtaining passports I'm not sure, until it's revealed that Nick is subtly warning
Constantine about the sudden influx of vodka
and communism into his territory. While naked. I never did attend intimidation
101, but is this not conducive to being scary? Whatever.
Anyway, Constantine (who speaks just like the Count so that is vat I vill call heem) tells Nick that he promised to find and hand over Dadwolf, but isn't doing so. He suggests that if this were the Motherland, he and Nick would be co-operating in the matter. Nick feigns being appalled, and pretends to be offended.
'because the last time I was in this situation with a man we co-operated very well, see episode one'
Count Constantine laughs and grabs Nick's thigh (I knew it!) and invites him to
He then finally quits him, and walks out the room. 80% of the viewers sit back
in their seats, bittenblogger downs another 4 beers. Nick messages Jeremy to
inform him about the Ruskis' espionage.
We cut to a random car park, and ex-sheriff parks nearby to two men who are speaking in Russian with slightly raised voices. She immediately leaps out of her car, revealing reason #2 why she's not in law enforcement anymore, to confront these two men, acting as if they are a dire threat to national security.
'also like 80% of our readers, I can remember the cold war'
Despite having no place interfering in the business of two random men who were doing nothing wrong, she insists on placing herself between the two strangers and insisting on being told what the problem is. For some reason random Russian dude #1 is intimidated by her floral dress and complete lack of right, and surrenders immediately. He informs her why he's there and where he's staying.
'my country has a history of deep respect for your brusque, arrogant and opinionated culture. Oh wait
Back in Stonehaven, Sonwolf complains about not having any ketchup (again, seriously, who gave you lines) and Clay lectures the pup about his incoming Change. And steals his knife. And knocks him on his ass. And buries the knife next to his head. And tells him to clean the kitchen. Okay that was kind of funny.
We cut to the immaculate abandoned warehouse (seriously this place is a lot nicer than 50% of flats in
) and Dadwolf is preparing
to fight England .
Elena expresses concern, and expresses even more when Dadwolf tells her that
Jeremy is refusing to help him, which is a very polite way of saying 'he
unsubtly said he'd kill me'. Elena stomps off to phone her Pack leader and
ask what the hell is going on. She rightfully asks why her own Pack is siding
with the enemy instead of protecting her own biological family, to which
Sheremy calmly explains Russia
breaking a promise made to my enemy would make me a truly heinous person
And Elena despairs. She falls to the ground and begs Jeremy for sanctuary for her family against the mad Russians, and I actually nearly get a tear in my eye. Jeremy merely says
I'm saying nothing but I will point out that Russia was friendly with Germany in the 1940s. Coincidentally. Just saying
Elena is left shaking and distraught. Jesus, show. Her situation isn't made much better when she goes into the immaculate warehouse to a wall of text.
her own father informs her that he must go and kill Romanov because if he doesn't, Romanov will kill her. All for reasons that NO ONE HAS BLUDDY EXPLAINED YET. So this means that if her father doesn't die and manages to kill Russian Alpha, Jeremy will probably kill her instead because her Dad murdered his new bestie and started a war.
why did i renew my contract again
Mad scientists were tame compared to this. What was that thing someone said about a red-eyed wolf last episode? Can we go back to that please
Outside, Count Constantine meets up with
and says they must take Elena alive. I don't know why, because as far as the last scene told us they don't know Elena's relation to Dadwolf yet but I also know I don't get paid enough to care. I don't get paid at all! Unless Jeremy told them, in which case
Back in Stonehaven, Jeremy has just realised that, since the mad Russians are after all Antonovs, they're probably going to come after his adopted daughter too. He goes on to say
Hold up just one moment cockwomble, you actually explicitly said in episode two that you were at war and that was why you were recruiting mutts.
You know that conspiracy theory I have where there's actually two writers writing this thing and neither of them talk to each other? I don't actually think that's a conspiracy anymore.
Despite this, Jeremy experiences a little character development that's actually in the right direction. He realises that the Ruskis are engaging in behaviours that are less-than honest, and also realises that to support them would be to hand over his adoptive daughter's own family. Well, better late than never. He's not 100% yet, though. Clay tells him that Katya and Sonwolf "Aren't a threat."
"How do you know that?"
"Because he's clearly never had sex and he likes ketchup in his sandwich."
And thus the debate is resolved and Jeremy acquieses into snaring Romanov.
We cut back to (seriously show please stop my copy-paste fingers are cramping up) the immaculate warehouse, and Elena and Dadwolf are seemingly being pursued. The bushes are being rustled by crewmembers, and are actually making made-in-post snarling sounds. Is that..a werewolf?
don't you dare tease me show
Dadwolf barrels after the poor CGI mess, and..chucks a tiny pen at it. Killing it instantly. The CGI mess yelps and falls into the mud, after a mere three seconds of screentime, never to be seen again. Bittenblogger throws a fit and gets ready to really jump out of the window this time.
Fortunately, the werewolf was just trolling
And chomps his arm like a scooby snack. He is instead dispatched again another three seconds later, by the same pen. Fuck this.
Elena is uncharteristically sneaked up on by Count Constantine and taken hostage. It goes magnificently for him
Because no-one is going to get away with this shit when it's a crazy woman producer in charge. Elena and Dadwolf share a bonding moment about a proclivity to murder. Dawww.
Back in Stonehaven (for crap's sake, sorry viewers but my copy paste fingers have actually cramped up now) Jeremy tells Clay to take his car and relocate the tykes. For anyone who's not British, that means kids. He orders Clay to drive them to a meeting where Russian alpha shows up, and they rightly fear for their safety.
'kids are a delicacy in my house too'
Jeremy presents them to Romanov and something is obviously afoot. He confronts him about the Russian invasion. Romanov demands Dadwolf, who is promptly delivered by Nick. The fact that for once Jeremy isn't going to be an asshole is painfully obvious, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's the lack of literal Jaws music. Anyway, he informs Ruski that he's not going to hand over the Antonovs. And that there's nothing he and his two skinheads who totally bear no resemblance at all to
can do about it. "Why?" asks Russian Alpha. "I have your son." announces Jeremy.
'If anyone asks, there were ten of them and it was dark'
Jeremy explains that
Russia has gone too far and he will
not tolerate threats against Elena. Whoa. Jeremy is actually..doing what book
Jeremy would do. I'm horribly confused and terribly impressed at the same time. Was this..all this assholery just an elaborate plan to fool the Ruski's into thinking Jeremy was on their side, so he could pull the Russian rug out from under them at the last minute? I - I think it was.
I'm actually going to..detract Jeremy's hitler moustache. For now.
You did good, Jer.
Now don't fuck it up.