Sunday, 12 April 2015

Episode Ten: Fine Temporum

While at the airport (?) we start off with some slapstick comedy as the werewolves can't quite find their footing.

Evilpants put down some banana peels for them




Because The Undoing is goofing up their powers. Despite just having gotten out of the same car as him, Elena spots Cain. She quite rightly asks “Why are you still alive?” and everyone still viewing this car wreck would like to know that too. Clay replies “We came to an understanding.” But I don’t understand how that translates to “I undid it the bit when I chopped him into little pieces and poured him down the drain.”

Jeremy tells the pack that Logan fought bravely (lol) but has now gone to werewolf heaven. He couldn't have told them this on the car ride they just did? Why’d they wait til they were all out of the car to ask questions about magical disappearing and reappearing werewolves?



Shmaige explains that “Ruth will be in her sacred ritual room in the catacombs below the building. To get to the ritual room you have to be with me. The entrance will only open to a coven witch.”

Let's just get this guy out of the way early this time


And the werewolves stumble off, doing a remarkable impression of fratboys who’ve had too much to drink.

Cain has the good insight to notice that Shmavannah is the reason why everyone is about to die, and suggests snuffing her. Elena protests, claiming Shmavannah is innocent for some reason.

'She only got kidnapped 6 times, voluntarily went along with the bad guy from the start, deliberately and knowingly got me electrocuted in prison twice, is causing the death and complete end of dozens of members of two rare supernatural races at once, is the catalyst in every single thing that's gone wrong since episode one, but she's innocent. ..wait'

Nick informs the viewers that he's going in but can't turn into a werewolf, because there's a chance he won't be able to turn back. [tirade] Here I'm getting major deja vu..it's almost like I've seen this before..

Oh wait! It's an exact copy of the finale in the first series when Elena actually said "The bad guys are nearly here! We’re gonna have to fight as humans. We've no time to Change!" and so no-one proceeds to fucking Change.



First series finale
LET'S FIGHT THE NUMEROUS INCOMING BAD GUYS WITH OUT SOFT HANDS AND BITE THEM WITH OUR FINE CANADIAN DENTALCARE


Second series finale
Plus the VFX team walked out on us this morning

Fuck you, show. The opening credits, promos, trailer, marketing, advertisements, taglines, hell even the -title- promise me werewolves, and you give me this sh*t.

I don't care if it's expensive. Don't take on a werewolf book if you've got a budget of 27 pence and a half eaten biscuit. [/tirade]

Shmaige informs us that Alistair put a spell on the doors and if they touch them they'll die. Clay, presumably sick of witchery in general, chucks a big fuckoff slow-mo chunk of metal through the doors. The spell is broken

Pictured: A man who is 110% done with this shit

Ruth does some more The Craft in the basement, and Evilpants and his cohort close in. The Craft antics give Alistair a migrane again, and they split up, the evil minion exclaiming “Keep Paige busy while we kill your mother.” What’s she going to do  anyway? She lost her powers sometime back in episode 5. Tickle Ruth to death?

Shmaige and the Pack are also closing in on the Craft basement. Evilpants says some ominous latin words

"We would like to thank google for this one."

and it seems to affect Shmaige. She starts to call Clay some mean names, but our beloved heroes get interrupted by gunfire. Jeremy in his first moment of not-getting-his-ass-handed-to-him in this series takes out the gunman, for some reason uttering “He is the one true path” while doing so. Damn Jeremy, you’ve really been hanging out with the witches for too long.

The Pack splits up to look for Evilpants, and Elena and Shmaige start to descend to the basement. Clay and Cain wander off to look for the boiler room, and Nick and Jeremy take the elevator. Some humans attack the super-human strength beings with sticks, are promptly taken out, and erase this entry from their IMDB history. Unfortunately, this causes Jeremy to become separated from Nick.

Evilpants and his minion find Ruth first, and attempt to open the door. Blonde powerless minion reminds him that

Fortunately we have one in the background, and she's an idiot.'


so they get Shmavannah to open it by torturing her into submi – lolnah. They just ask her to

'So innocent, you guys'


Alistair finally finds his baby-murdering mother, and here I’m not actually sure who I want to kill the other. I’m really confused about this. Who is the bad guy again?

Do I side with the ineffective yet evil warlock, or the child-murderer? Choices, choices. 

I don't know, but I'm suddenly craving chocolate

Ruth and Evilpants have a chat. Ruth explains that she didn’t intend for him to have such a harsh life, and he quite rightly points out that she didn’t intend for him to have a life at all. I seriously am siding with the bad guy on these points. Sure the prophecy says that a male witch will bring about their downfall..but maybe the reason the male witch will bring about their downfall is because they were all such horrendous people to him -just because- he was a male witch? This is some serious Harry-Potter-esque self-fulfilling prophecy shit. Which came first..the evil warlock or the egg?

OH GOD DON'T MENTION EGGS

Ruth gets yanked out of her protective circle by Alistair. A scene happens where Shmaige is apparently possessed by an evil demon, but I personally see no difference.

Business as usual

Paige vomits out the demon in some pea soup in an Exorcist  homa – ripoff that I am not taking pictures of, and our heroes clop down the stairs in high heels to face the bad guys.

Alistair and Ruth are still chatting, and once again I’m really siding with the bad guy, who in this scene is guilty only of being pissed off that everyone tried to kill him at birth before he could even say his first word.



…whose side are we meant to be on again?

Either way, Alistair yanks a ring off her hand, which for some reason the camera focuses on like it’s important despite the show never having mentioned or shown a ring on her before.

Cain and Clay get cornered by a gunman. Nick and Jeremy are off somewhere flailing their arms above their heads. Shmaige and Elena get reach the basement. Unfortunately Shmaige must remain to act as a supernatural doorstop so the rest of the werewolves can get inside, so Elena must go on alone. Elena does the 13-year old dialogue once more “I’m going to finish it.”



Cain and Clay are still trapped under gunfire, and they have a bro moment. The gunman runs out of ammo, and for some reason they decide to keep on nattering instead of taking this opportunity to attack.

Guys? This is when you DO SOMETHING


They chatter about how life isn’t worth living without their respective ladies, which gives the lone security guy (who is only about 20 feet away) ample time to reload his gun.



Cain takes a leaf out of Logan's notebook and deliberately impales himself on sharp objects. He meatball runs up the corridor while the hired goon is firing bullets - and is then filled with holes and dies. I don't know how to feel here. I don't know what Cain is even doing here. We all thought until the last episode (actually, we were explicitly shown) that he'd been killed and chopped into tiny pieces so I really don't know what to feel about him. It's..good that they brought him back from the dead so they could throw him on top of bullets two seconds later? I don't know. He managed to procure a security pass

That didn't actually have to cost you your life, dingus

so that Clay can get into the basement. Speaking of which, Elena confronts Evilpants (who has no power down here) and slaps him around. For some reason Alistair is able to stab Elena with a dagger, but Elena takes the dagger and digs a bot fly out of Shmavannah’s arm. Evilpants and his lady minion scarper.

Nick does a whole five minutes of fight choreography with some men with sticks, while Elena lies in the basement. Clay finally arrives and -  -Holy shit- show, did you just kill off Elena? Jesus. Here I nearly cried. I admit it, there were ninjas cutting onions in the room. I'm pretty sure it's more to do with Elena being a favourite literary character of mine, and having followed her through a total of 13 books and seeing someone who loosely represents her on screen is naturally going to get a sniffle out of me. Seeing Elena slowly die in Clay’s arms was not on my list of things I wanted to see tonight, or indeed ever in my whole life

I'M FINE


But of course this is just a trope. It has to be. Seriously, I'm writing this as the show is playing and even I know this.

Nick for some reason is unable to dispatch two mere humans with sticks, and he shuts them behind a door.


THEY HAVE STICKS, ALRIGHT


He runs into Shmaige who is still acting as supernatural door wedge, but Nick can’t compete with the sticks so has to stay there to hold his own door shut. Since Jeremy is completely fucking Awol, Shmaige enters the basement by herself.

We cut back to Clay crying over Elena’s body and –oh god I can’t take seeing any more of this- and Shmaige and Ruth are reunited. Clay asks where Evilpants went and Ruth explains that he took Shmavannah even deeper into the airport catacombs (next time I go on a flight, I’m fucking looking for this shit). Clay goes off to Change, explaining that there’s no reason for him to stay human anymore

I'M FINE


while Ruth picks up the ring that Alistair snatched off her hand earlier from the ground. Jeremy finally reaches the basement

'Where am I again? I forgot my pills'


and rescues Nick from the two bad guys with sticks.

Ruth and Shmaige are huddled over Elena’s body. Ruth puts the (important?) ring on Elena  and says the truest lines spoken in the series thus far

Better late than never

and whispers some more ominous latin phrases. Evilpants minion and Shmavannah are off in another room cackling about their evil plans. Oh yeah, there’s a possession or something about to happen.

I did genuinely forget about the plot amongst all the silly


Unfortunately they are interrupted by

Oh my god it's a werewolf

Clay, who is here to avenge is his lady friend and perhaps, indeed, ‘finish it’.

Ruth is saying more latin words when AAAAAARRGH

JESUS CHRIST SHOW I HAVE A HEART CONDITION GIVE ME SOME WARNING BEFORE YOU DO THAT

And she transfers her life essence into Elena or..something. Ruth undoes a small percentage of the damage she's caused and returns life to Elena as she does so. Ding dong the witch is dead, and our hero is not dead

I am not even sad. This Ruth was an abomination. 


For some reason Evilpants now has the power to control werewolves, depite the show previously repeatedly saying that he can’t control them when they’re in their wolf form (I just don’t know anymore) and they play a game of levitate the Clay. 

Wingardium Leviosah


Shmavannah snatches a talisman from Evilpants’s pocket, and chokes the life out of powerless blonde minion. Dayum.

Evilpants isn’t quite done yet, and priori incantatem’s with Shmavannah

I don't get paid enough to photoshop red and green beams into this picture. Actually, I don't get paid at all.

But Elena arrives to slap him down. He psychically chokes her out (a thing that this episode has had entirely too much of) and comments that it’s fitting that the end to all this comes down to a fight between the only male witch and the only female werewolf. Which isn’t a bad bit of dialogue, to the show’s credit. 

There’s some more 13-year-old dialogue about finishes and ends, and Elena rams Alistair’s head into some water while he has flashbacks about the time his mother tried to drown him in a bathtub in infancy.

JESUS show. That. Is. Fucked. Up.

Clay is apparently dead. 



Why? He only got levitated a few feet. 

lol jk

Never mind, he’s fine. Jeremy finally arrives 10 minutes later despite having had no conceivable obstacles between the last time we saw him and where he is now

'Where am I now?'

And there’s a bit of a conundrum because Clay was technically a wolf when dawn arrived. So now he’s stuck.

Except he’s not because he starts to Change back. For..no reason. I don’t even know.

No one does. 


So Clay is human again, and it seems that The Undoing is Done, the bad guys are dead, and the good guys have prevailed. Hurray!

'Stock footage victory shot!'

The ‘good guys’ burn the bodies. Nick and Shmaige are reunited, and for once Shmaige isn’t a bitch to Nick, telling him that he did good.

'Good boy'

Nick professes his love for Shmaige. Shmaige says that she can’t stay, and gives a reason. I don’t understand her reasoning. Perhaps you can help me? Here it is word for word:

...wat

I don’t even care anymore. There’s three minutes left, that’s still time enough for Shmaige to get sucked back into the innermost circle of hell that she came out of.

Please?

Clay and Elena are also reunited. Shmavannah, while staring at the massive pile of dead bodies, laments that “This is all my fault.” Clay, who had clearly had enough of this shit in just the first five minutes, makes a polite exit.

'You deal with this shit'

Elena reassures Shmavannah that it’s not her fault because I don’t know..does being a minor technically discount someone from multiple cases of first and second-degree manslaughter? I don’t care. There’s only a minute left of this show and I’m so nearly free.

They have a heart to heart and there’s some sappy music. Suddenly

wait what

Elena is sitting in Stonehaven covered in blood and everything is on fire.


Then the end credits hit.


Wait a second. Show..was that sequel bait? Are you setting us up for a third series?! I thought I was free!

SO HELP ME GOD SHOW, I WILL COME OVER THERE IF I HAVE TO!

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